Existence

“What a wonderful world.”
Said Louise Armstrong.

Is he naïve.

“The #1 question to ask:
“Is the universe we live in friendly or hostile?
“Your answer determines your destiny.”
Said Albert Einstein.

Is he intuitive.

What is this world?
This horrible place.
Can we measure the good versus the evil?
Can we?

How do we know if it’s good or bad?

“The answers are in you.”
Say They.
“Your key to understanding
the universe…
“Is your soul.”

Says Who?

How do I get my mind out of this horrible place?
I feel like I’m sinking.
I’m scared. I’m scared shitless.

My nightmares…
Sleeping with the light on.
Fear for the evilness that I imagine I know.
I do believe it is there. The evilness of this world that I live in.

I fear to move.
I fear it’s all for nothing.

“Hevel Hevelim,”
said King Solomon.

“Amen to that,”
said Deena.

My sadness written in Vancouver on March 7, 2007.

Do not envy me

Envy? Ha!
That I saw the sunset over the beautiful Pacific?
That I get to sit at Starbucks,
drink my yummy latte?
Decaf. Mmmm…
No worries about it being Sunday night?
That I have a total of two things scheduled weekly
totaling 3.5 hours?
But inside I suffer.
Inside I cry.
I feel empty
so lost
the clouds make me cry
no, not from happiness.
from emptiness
the lostness
the fear
that things may never be better

People often ask me if I had fun in Vancouver (where I spent three  years). When I arrived I was a very sad person. Here is a taste of that. Written February 18, 2007.

In the Moment

I stop my thoughts.
Am I in this moment? I ask.
No.

I’m thinking about getting inside quickly. I’m speedily walking, slightly hunched over in the  icy rain, getting colder and wetter by the second.
I’m chilled to the bone.

I am waiting for this moment to be over.

I stand in place.
With the rain pouring down on me.

I ask myself,
What else is going on now besides my chill and wetness?

It smells so fresh and comforting.
The enveloping sounds are calm, like God touching me.

I stand and smell and look and feel in the moment.

And then I continue to walk home. I walk slower, and more softly so as not to disturb the kind rain’s sounds. Feeling less chilled, I hold myself more erect, and I deeply breathe the fresh air, glad for this cold, wet winter’s night.

I wrote this piece March 15, 2007 as part of a creative writing course with the thoughtful and caring writer and teacher Paul Belserene

Dark to Spring

Written March 28, 2007 as part of a creative writing course with the thoughtful and caring teacher and writer Paul Belserene

I was in a place so dark.
And I’m afraid of the dark.
It felt cold and deep and lonely.

Sporadic flashes of light hinted
Potential change.

And then suddenly I was outside.
Just in time for the beauty of Spring to touch me.
Smells, sounds reaching me.

Standing with my eyes closed,
moved to feel the birds’ songs.

Thankful beauty can touch me again.
Wondering when the last time was it did.

Slow and Long

Written as part of a creative writing course with the thoughtful and caring Paul Belserene. March 10, 2007

When I was short
My stories were long
People’s patience was short.

When I was short
I moved slow as molasses
People’s patience was short.

When I grew tall
I learned to tell short stories
Short, short stories.

When I grew tall
I lost my patience
for myself and for others.

Love and Distance

For her I live
But I’m so far away
I cry

I wrote this piece on March 28, 2007 about my little sister when I lived on the opposite side of the world as her. It was written as part of a creative writing course with the thoughtful and caring writer and teacher Paul Belserene

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