The positive side of my existential angst, not giving a fuck and other lessons of the week

This has been an emotionally taxing week for me and so, more than usual, I’ve looked to different sources for comfort and inspiration to help me through it. Amazingly, countering the difficulties have been extremely inspiring meetings with wonderful people and an episode of one of my podcasts that I found to be so insightful that I listened to it around three times this week.

Thinking back over my week, I’ve learned a lot. Some are new lessons, some are new lessons built on old lessons and some are, as is very often necessary, old lessons relearned.

Here are some of them:

1. Asking “what for” is good

I ask “what for” constantly. It’s the more practical side of my regular existential angst because it’s saying, “OK, so you are drawn to this activity. What are the goals you hope to reach by taking part in these projects? Is this really meaningful to you? Do you really feel like this is what you want to be doing?”

This week I met with two people who helped me with this.

The first is someone I met with for the first time who can completely relate to my asking this question and, as he put it, he is troubled with this question not on a daily basis but every moment of every day. And he said that we don’t necessarily get answers of this question but the asking in itself means we’ll end up doing very meaningful things.

The other person, a friend of mine, said he always has in mind why he’s doing what he’s doing and as a result, he can partake in the most mundane of tasks and it doesn’t matter because he knows what his greater goals are.

2. My ruts are important and they pass

I freak out about my ruts. I’m scared of them. I worry I’m never going to be happy again and that I’m going to be unproductive forever. (Yes, I’m pretty fatalistic.) But I’d really like to give more respect to myself by giving more respect to my ruts. They are saying something and they are one of the symptoms of not going blindly through life which is a good thing. My ruts help direct me and are a result of my making decisions consciously on a regular basis. My ruts are part of my maturing process and I don’t have to be so scared of them.

3. I still have a lot of work to do on not giving a fuck

Today I reread the epic piece by Mark Manson about what it means to not give a fuck, why it’s a good idea and tips on how to do it (well, not do it).

One of the things that gets to me in my life is stuff. All that little and big, annoying stuff. Stuff that doesn’t go exactly how it should in order to give me peace of mind. Stuff that I wish I could control but I can’t, stuff that results from my decisions, stuff that simply makes up a lot of the day.

For example, I decided to organize monthly writing meetups. I already have a substantial mailing list for it because there was immediate interest. A couple of days ago I sent out an email with info about the first meeting. I got a few responses, two of which were in the realm of “constructive criticism” as we so nicely put it… As they crush my spirit. I honestly could barely function afterwards. I kept thinking, “Why do I do anything ever? It’ll never be exactly what people want anyway and it might be a huge flop and I’ll feel like an idiot. Why even try? It’s too hard and too risky.”

One of the points Mark makes in his crazy piece where he uses the f word supposedly over 100 times is that in order to not give a fuck about unimportant things, we need to be giving a fuck about something much bigger. Which is what my friend said (see #1) – that he can deal with a lot of crappy stuff because he knows why he’s doing what he’s doing.

And it’s the same thing here. I know why I’m doing what I’m doing (well, except when I’m asking myself, “For what?”). I’m doing this writing group because I want to give myself the opportunity to write. I want to give myself the opportunity to commiserate with other writers. And after years of waiting for someone else to create this kind of group, I realized I’m just going to have to do it myself. And so I am. How I want to do it. So as long as it’s what I want to be creating then it’s as perfect as it’s ever going to get.

Not to mention that the negative feedback was barely negative and these two people are lovely and very interested in what I’m doing. It’s just so fucking hard doing things that put you out there that you need to be strong as anything to take what the world sends back at you when you do things so you don’t feel crushed from anything negative or any bit of resistance.

4. If the morning pages aren’t working for me anymore, I could look for a different daily writing exercise to do instead

For a while I did the morning pages that Julia Cameron recommends in her The Artist’s Way spiritual path to creativity. It was very good for me until it wasn’t anymore. And now I’m at lose ends and feel this lacking. I need to be writing but can’t get myself to do the morning pages. It’s time for me to make peace with the fact that, at least for now, it’s time to move on. And that’s fine because I could just look for a different writing exercise to take on instead.

So now I’m on a search for a new writing exercise that could be good to do on a daily basis. Any suggestions?


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