Signs that those weren’t the (red) signs

Amira Young wrote a post explaining how she could have known that her marriage wasn’t going to work based on signs she shared with her readers in said post.

Amira, I would not be surprised if you did in fact have a gut feeling that something was off in the relationship. But I’m not convinced that the signs you shared in your post are them.

For example…

1. You knew how, when and where he was going to propose.

It doesn’t sound like he did anything wrong. I actually think it sounds pretty nice and romantic. I’m serious. The problem is there is an expectation that everyone should do the American-style proposal. This is a pretty unfair assumption. If that wasn’t his cup of tea and he didn’t have it in him to do it, face this fact. He is not romantic in this way. (You say he wasn’t romantic in any way but that’s too vague to refer to.)

So, either take it because he makes up for it in other ways, or leave it because maybe this is something you really need.

Also, everything needs to be a discussion. Theoretically, during your dating period you could have explained to him what kind of romantic gestures you enjoy and want. And then you could have seen whether or not he attempts to do things for you based on what you like. I can’t know whether or not you tried that.

2. The family insisted on having a kosher wedding

There are a lot of people who keep certain traditions at important occasions (like men wearing a kippa during the wedding ceremony). It is more about how you and your groom dealt with the whole thing, rather than the outcome, that would be telling.

But having a kosher wedding could be purely a nice gesture towards your heritage. It in itself doesn’t say anything about your in laws and definitely not about your ex.

3. He only had one friend to invite

Some people don’t have many friends. I’m not sure this is a bad sign. The strange thing is that you only found out about this when you were doing the invitations. How did you get that far in your relationship without ever meeting his friends or at least talking about them? That seems to be a red light regarding your relationship, not just him.

4. You were “forced” to wear a white dress

You wrote: “[I] acquiesced my wants and desires just to make everyone else comfortable.”

In general no one should feel like they’re being forced to do anything in a relationship. If there is a disagreement – even if it supposedly only has to do with you and you could wonder why he should even have a say in it – then there should be a discussion/argument and then you should reach an agreement that makes you both feel OK.

The way you felt about it is a very bad sign. Again, not necessarily (though possibly) about him. But definitely about your dynamics.

5. He didn’t want to wear a flower

You say his argument was childish. But maybe your argument about your wedding dress seemed childish to him. Why do you need to be able to relate to his reasoning? The huge problem is the fact that you felt such a lack of respect towards him in regards to this. You can’t marry someone towards whom you feel such disrespect.

I also don’t get what the big deal is that once he realized his brother wore one at his wedding, he decided it was OK. Why do we always need to be 100% logical and make purely “mature” decisions? He probably never thought in his life he’d wear a flower. He sounds like he’s not the type of person to notice what someone else is wearing and so the theoretical idea seems girlie. But hearing that his brother did it puts it in perspective and makes him realize it’s OK.

And… Wasn’t that nice of him to give in in order to make you happy? I wonder if he felt that he acquiesced his wants and desires just to make you comfortable.

6. He wasn’t involved in the wedding planning

Meh. This could go either way depending on the dynamics between you guys.

7. He hugged you at the end of the chuppa

That is so sweet. My heart breaks to think that maybe he’s more traditional or private than you and instead of enjoying the show of affection, you deemed it as not enough (and at all connected to your sex life – I’d assume that at this point you knew what your sex life with him was like).

Of course I can’t really know what his reasons were but definitely, the hug in and of itself is a fine and lovely thing to do at the end of a chuppa.

Sorry babe

Sorry for sharing such strong opinions about your piece. I feel like you didn’t write the real stuff and honestly I’m happy you didn’t because that’s between you and him (and it would probably not be fair to him to air your dirty laundry online).

And meanwhile, until you figure out the real issues (or maybe you did and don’t feel comfortable sharing them publicly), it’s so important not to learn the wrong lessons from our past relationships. And your post definitely is a sign of wrong lessons learned.


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