“You never know!” *gag*

If there is one thing that people say to singles that makes me want to go hide under my bed for the rest of my life, it’s, “You may as well just go out for coffee with the guy. I mean, you never know and it’s just a cup of coffee.”

Ichsa. Patooee!

Haha, I know, such a strong reaction to such a small sentence which, all in all, is not totally untrue. We don’t ever know and I just wrote a blog post on blogmidrash about the fact that sometimes we imagine that nothing could ever work out with a certain person but in the end that isn’t necessarily true. So why the abhorrence?

Where to begin…

As some people – and now all of you – are privy to know (yeah, I know it’s not exactly privy once it’s on a blog but lets pretend this is intimate here), dating is very painful for me. (I am toning it down here since, honestly, I’m worried about scaring people off.)

Basically, saying to me, “What have you got to lose?” is like saying, “Just go smother yourself in tar and feathers. It’s only tar and feathers!” And who knows what wonders may come of it!

Please imagine… You want to get married. You’ve been trying to meet the right person for, say, 11 years. A lot of different things have happened in those 11 years but, bottom line, you’re still freakin’ single.

Now also imagine that you are a very sensitive person and you can’t help but hope, each time, that maybe this time it’ll be the right person. Maybe this time it’ll be the last first date you’ll ever have to go on.

It is emotionally exhausting! I speak to so many people who feel the same way. Where the hell we find the energy to keep trying, I don’t know. Well, I know. We want to meet the “one” and so we feel we need to take certain steps in order to try to make it happen. In general, we have very little control over this process. Whatever effort we make, we know it’s possible it still won’t lead to the result we hope for. But we feel the importance of doing whatever we have strength to do.

But just like it’s important for us to do what we can, it’s also equally as important not to push ourselves too hard. And when someone says to me, “What’s the big deal, it’s just a cup of coffee,” I feel hurt! Just a cup of coffee?

Me: “Hi. I’d like to order one cafe hafooch natool [decaf latte, in case you’re wondering] and a side order of heart-break, please.”

Each of us must be very conscious of what we’re going through during this process. What do we have strength for, what don’t we have strength for. If someone calls you up and wants to set you up with someone, you should not feel like you have to say yes because otherwise the person will think badly of you. I always imagine the person offering the set-up thinking, “Well, no wonder she’s not married. She isn’t even willing to go out with this totally decent guy.”

That is unfair thinking. Other people’s job is to try to set the single person up. It is the single person’s job to decide for themselves what is good for them and what is not. There is an idea in Judaism that everything in life is a partnership between us and God. We need to do our hishtadlut (put in our effort) and then God does His part. One girl who just got engaged after also waiting so many years to meet the right person, just said to me that sometimes our hishtadlut is specifically saying “No.” This makes so much sense because, as she said, sometimes we do know that it’s not worth giving it a shot with a certain guy. And if we focus on something we know is wrong, meanwhile Mr. Right can’t get in the door.

So please people, both fellow singles and those who may remember once, long ago, being single, remember that dating when you don’t want to be dating is heart-breaking and extremely energy consuming. It ain’t just a cuppa coffee.

P.S. I need to say something very important here. My feelings about dating have very little to do with the guys themselves. When, last night, I told a guy that I don’t like dating, I prefaced it by saying, “No offense to you and your gender.”

Honestly, for the most part, once I’m actually on a date, I usually basically enjoy myself. I like talking to people so it’s OK. But it’s all the before and after and the thoughts within it that make it so difficult. So nervous leading up, so hopeful and then, afterwards, having to either tell the guy you don’t want to go out again (that KILLS me every time) or him having to tell you. And, maybe the worst, is the heartbreak you know you very possible will feel and you know the other person is very possibly going to feel as well.


6 thoughts on ““You never know!” *gag*

Add yours

  1. I agree with you on most points. One however I do not. I do not think it is other people’s job to try to set their friends up. If the friend specifically asked to be set up or someone knows that a certain friend is okay with it, that is one thing. But one of the most agonizing things is to have a whole slew of people continually try to set someone up because they know that the person in question is single. I would like to say that single does not equal unhappiness. Some people are perfectly fine being single. Some people even make the conscious choice to be single. But in a society where in it is looked upon as a negative thing to be single, then the pressure mounts and creates more psychological trauma and baggage for the singles in that society. Being single is almost akin to rebellion against family or religion.

    If other people looked at their single friends each as a world unto themselves, then perhaps they would like to get to know that world better before they try to make it collide with another world.
    If however they have taken the time to get to know the world which they want to involve themselves in, than that is a whole other story, and depending on the reaction of the single, they should either accept the help or not. But they should not feel pressured into doing so, and that I most definitely agree with.

    1. You’re right, a guy. : ) One should not assume that the single person is looking to be fixed in that regard. At least you agreed with me on something. : )

  2. In my experience, learning to limit expecations in all areas of my life has proven to be tremendously helpful and productive.

    I carefully choose the word “limit”, rather than “lower”.

    By limit, I simply mean keep it blank. Set no expectation. This does not mean settle. It means don’t forecast, don’t predict, don’t presume something should be this or that.

    It means let life unfold rather than try to direct it. We tend to attract to us what we ARE, more than what we WANT.

    So I learned to shift my focus to just being the best me I could be at any given moment and letting what I “AM” draw to me what I need. Instead of presuming that what I want is obtainable in spite of who I currently am.

    In defining and working on who I am, I have sought lots of input from others. I am not beyond self-deception. I may think I am one way, but may be completely opposite.

    Without the help of living, breathing people in my life who were honest enough to help me see who I was being, I would remain stuck. None of us ever arrive at total enlightenment, but we can continually learn more and more.

    What has worked for me is to just focus on the moment, be the best me I can be, seek help in doing so, and let that authenticity draw what I need rather than projecting forth demands and expectations that may not be realistic for who I am at the moment… only to result in disappointment and hurt.



  3. No problem…. always glad to share experience, strength and hope that were freely given to me by those who walked similar paths before me.



  4. Dating is a term I used in highschool. A cup of coffee is just a cup of coffee, physically speaking.

    The tension is created by an imbalance between the two nodes. One node wants to play video games and shooting off information on port 27960 and the other wants to book a flight on port 8080. Two different transactions two different ports, this communication will not be understood by the other node, its impossible.

    In human, one person wants to have a “date” and kiss after the coffee, she should just state that, in some form or another, and if the other node doesn’t want to.. big deal. A better connection can be made else where. Since the alpha and receiver states change frequently, one has to be quick and emotional and phyiscally agile to hand the peaks and valleys.

    A guy that doesn’t state has effections right off the bat won’t get off the ground, the whole reason he goes up to her is because there is something that he like, and he wants to check if they are compatible; if there is a mis-fire he goes back and re-calculates (big mistake). Don’t re-calculate nor think that she doesn’t like me I SHOULD change.. cause guess what we shouldn’t, we don’t and won’t incurring external modifiers, internal is another question which I won’t get into.

    Since there are more women then men on this planet, the favor is on the side of men for trying to find a female partner, its difficult for a male to produce children so he leaves that processes tree up to the female to calculate. [for another thread]

    Chaz, I agree with the blank commitment, but that only last for a shear amount of moments and easily avoidable, those have many connections and we depend on those to help spread viral messages along their social meshing links; point is the “blankers” are very important!

    Anonymous male, its nice to be human and we are ment to be partnered, its pretty easy computer theory. Have you tried to talk to people that have a serious missunderstanding on how we work, rather a understanding that we don’t yet understand. Technical people like myself often get criticized for being too technical and replacing people with nodes for easier communication, replication and disbandment (death).

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