Has feminism messed things up? I am glad I live after the feminist movement. I feel I have way more rights and freedom than I would have had a couple hundred years ago (and any time before that and 150 years after that too, so it seems) but there are definite drawbacks. There are actually really serious ones but I’m no expert on that. Lets talk about something about which I am an expert (along with way too many other people).
I yearn for the days when the place of the guy and girl on a date was clear. The guy picks the girl up. The guy opens doors. The guy, yes, pays.
I wish it was like that because it was much clearer. But, though it’s more complicated now, I must ask myself if that really was better.
I have heard in the past, and I believe it’s true, that dating is very different from marriage. Meaning, we might think that a guy should act a certain way while dating because that is part of proper dating etiquette, but some of those things don’t matter at all in making a good marriage so we might be focusing on the wrong things.
Basically, for those of us dating for marriage, we need to figure out (if possible) what actions and character traits are important to pay attention to and which don’t matter.
Also, a certain character trait might express itself one way during dating and another way during marriage. For example, someone told me that the guy she married didn’t want to take her out a lot. He preferred cheaper dates. Only after marriage, of course, she learned how giving he is towards her, his wife. So, in his case, he may have come across as not generous while dating but, in fact, he is, and the girl is, obviously, very happy she was able to see what a good person he is, even if according to general dating beliefs, maybe she should have stopped being with him.
So my question is, is paying on dates an indicator of good marriage material? The question of who should pay on the dates is a really difficult one. For me, personally, it’s difficult because there is no good answer. I feel uncomfortable either way. I happen to believe the guy should pay but there are a few problems with that.
First, if the guy is always going out with girls, not in the gross way, but if he is looking for his soul mate and so dating different girls, it can really add up! Talk about an extra expense.
If the guy is dating the same girl for a while, it also starts feeling weird. When I dated a guy for a while, we got to a point where we’d share expenses and he’d take on extra. So it wasn’t 50-50 but maybe… I dunno, 70-30, something like that. OK, but maybe that made sense because he also had way more income than me. Should income not come into play? Which of course brings up the question, what if the girl is the one making way more? How would it make sense for the guy to pay then?
There is another problem. I feel so uncomfortable every time. Guys, seriously, please know that it’s not easy to watch someone else pay! I think it’s good for the guy to pay but I always feel badly about it, as if I’m mooching off the guy. That is one of the reasons that it’s so important to me when the guy shows that he’s happy to do it. “Yay! I get to pay the bill!” is an example of what I like to hear while the guy is taking out his wallet. OK, kidding. But seriously, along with the hellos and goodbyes of dating, I find this part of the date very awkward. : ) If I really had the feeling that the guy wants to pay and enjoys being able to do that for the girl (aka me), it would almost totally eliminate the awkwardness I feel. The problem is, I don’t know that that is how the guy feels and I’ve experienced the opposite so it’s left its mark on me.
Anyway, putting all those “problems” aside, there is a very basic question that comes up. I have a feeling it’s good for the guy to pay (to a certain extent) but can someone please explain to me in a way that I can understand, why is it really important? I could swear I’ve heard explanations a million times but I still never totally get it.
Or is it good?
Next maybe I should write about opening doors. : )