Yom Kippur uninspired

It’s interesting to me (though not surprising) that these High Holidays, my first in many years in Jerusalem, are turning out to be the most uninspiring.

I dunno… Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur are too overwhelming for me. I really just don’t feel the strength to try to make it meaningful because every time I start making an attempt, I feel like withdrawing and stopping.

I think I always have this feeling before Yom Kippur, that I wish it was over already. I love when it’s over. It’s the best feeling.

Ah! I really don’t know. Maybe it only feels somewhat meaningful to me (or sometimes very meaningful to me) because of all the hype. Yom Kippur is the ultimate day of hype. It’s the Jewish holiday that the most Jews celebrate and participate in. Is this just by chance or for a reason?

It’s really quite stressful thinking about this one day a year – well, 25 hours – when we should try to think of everything that has happened and everything we want to happen, not only to ourselves, but to everyone we care about and all Jews and the whole world.

And, of course, I’m just dreading the fast. I do hate fasting. And for those of you who don’t know, when us Jews fast, it means no food or drink, the whole time (except you aren’t allowed to put your body in danger so you must talk to a rabbi if you have medical questions regarding the fast). In this case, in Jerusalem, starting this evening at around 5pm, ending tomorrow evening at around 6pm.

I think that for myself I’m introspective so much of the time anyway that I’m not sure what to do differently on Yom Kippur. And I feel like it’s this window of time to quickly pray for whatever you want and that stresses me out.

OK, those are my current feelings on Yom Kippur. I sound so down here. I must say I’m not. I wish I had more positive feelings about the day that is beginning soon, but it’s OK. I’m still so happy to be here and I know that it’ll be over soon and we can move on to Sukkot!

Also, on a brighter note, I’m so so so grateful that I’m in a gazillion times better place than I was last YK. Last year I had the worst YK I’d ever had (and hope I ever have). I was in pain and couldn’t take pain killers, I was in the process of ending a long relationship which was horribly painful, I was unemployed after someone hired me, I waited two months for the job, and then they let me go after four days and, I lead the pre-teen services at the Conservative shul in Vancouver with all that going on. fyi, leading the services wasn’t bad, persay, it was just difficult considering how I was feeling in general.

But, I must say that after those hard times, things totally TOTALLY turned around for me! I had, for the most part, a really wonderful last year in Vancouver. Met great people, did great work, started writing seriously, finally! … So, I can’t say it was “worth” it but, however it works, it worked out.

Gmar chatima tova to all! I can’t translate this because that opens up a whole other can of worms. :)


3 thoughts on “Yom Kippur uninspired

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  1. This year’s Yom Kippur was very turbelent for me. Half way through it, I said to myself that it is OK to be kind to yourself, and accept that some years my experiences more meaningful than others, and some years they are not….

    1. I so agree. We’re not always gonna be in the exact “right” mood. Makes sense. That’s why I do believe that just going through the motions – whatever you can find strength for – is possibly good enough.

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