Change is a taste of death

This evening I was walking back home after having dinner with my coworkers and boss from L’Chaim. We’d planned to go out together and now, since I’m leaving, they decided it would be a going away party for me. So nice.

By the end of the meal with them I felt so nostalgic. I told them that they have been such a pleasure to work with. It has been so much fun, so pleasant and they’ve all been so supportive. It’s true. It’s really been great being part of that kind of team. Funny, I always hate words like “team” but in this case, I could see what that’s all about. Actually, one of our clients’ spouses pointed it out to us one day last week. She said that we always work so well together, always making sure that the clients’ needs are taken care of. That, to me, is the biggest compliment because it is my goal, to be working in a way that I’m filling the needs of the clients and helping them however I can.

But now I’m leaving that. After I told them how much it was a wonderful joy (yeah, those words) to have worked with them, they jokingly said, “So stay.”

*Heartbreak*

See, that’s the thing. There are such beautiful people here (something else I wouldn’t normally say but I’m nostalgic so I’m allowed). At work, at the Kollel, all over! It’s amazing, exciting and so heart-warming to see people being good and kind. But that doesn’t mean I should stay. No, all it means is that I have been so blessed to have such beautiful people in my life here.

I walked home from dinner along Main Street, taking pictures (with my new camera) of all the cute shops along the way which I’ve always noticed and felt I need to capture before I return. Like the wool store called “Three Bags Full.” And I felt so sad.

I see such beauty everywhere I turn. Beautiful people, beautiful places. And I’m leaving it behind. And I realized, the reason change is so painful for us is because it’s a taste of death. It is a healthy reminder that nothing is permanent. When we make a big change, we leave certain things behind, possibly, or probably, forever. And it’s not bad; it’s the way it’s supposed to be. It’s the way it should be and it’s probably very good. But it hurts like hell.

At dinner tonight someone was talking about a friend who did one thing for 20 years and then something completely different for the next 30 and at the time I was thinking, “Wow, it really is as if we live a few lives within our one life.” It really is true. And every time one of those “lives” comes to an end, it’s like a mini death.

But it is also like a mini birth. Or maybe a great birth. My mother always says that she doesn’t understand people who are so horrified when they move onto new stages in their lives. So what, that they became grandparents. Yes, it means you’re older but it’s exciting! My mother has been able to embrace each stage as a blessing.

I wonder if those depressed by the idea of progressing to a new life stage (or getting a white hair) are freaked out because it means they are one step closer to the grave. Of course that’s horrifying! If, on the other hand, you’re happy about each new stage, it’s not that you’re oblivious to the fact that you’re mortal. But you are happy about the new life which you’ve been given to live.

Blug. I feel like I’m being so morbid but I can’t help it. It’s the change’s fault. Blame it.

At times like this evening it really gets to hurt a lot and I wonder how I’m going to get through the next two weeks. I came home, looked at myself in the mirror and cried to myself a little bit.

But of course I’ll get through it. I will continue having amazing times with amazing people (I mean beautiful times with beautiful people) during the next two weeks and I’ll keep reminding myself that yes, life is temporary, but even more so, that is why it’s good I’m making sure to live it to the fullest. And if moving on from something that aint so bad (or should I say, really quite good) to something that will hopefully be awesome, is a smart move, then so be it! … Please God!

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5 thoughts on “Change is a taste of death

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  1. it is a little morbid but I have been thinking about how the only thing we take with us through every change in our lives is our body, ourselves. That is why more than anything it is important to be happy with how we look and who we are. That is sort of why we are always changing, to be happy with who we are.
    Good luck Dee!

  2. This is a beautiful, moving piece. I’m sitting at my desk with tears running down my cheeks. (Yes, yes, why aren’t I working?) You express both the excitement and pain of leaving with great clarity, insight and emotion. Congratulations on having come to a decision! I hope going back to Israel brings you great joy.

  3. It is a wonderful piece- but I have to say that i disagree 100%. To me stagnation is a taste of death- change is a taste of life! We have all of eternity to lie and be the the same- to never have to think or feel or decide. To really life life is to grab hold of it and hold on tight.

    1. Rachel, I totally hear what you’re saying. I agree. But I’d still say that change is a taste of ones mortality. When you leave something behind, you realize how fleeting life is.

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