Of course freedom is about not having another human rule over you in a way that takes away from your healthy freedom of choice. But I really don’t think it’s only about that.
Freedom, or lack of it, feels extremely personal to me. I yearn to be free from all the things that bind me, control me, make me feel like I’m wasting my life away because I let myself be inhibited by them.
Which things? One of the main ones I’ve been thinking about today is feeling nervous around people, feeling the need to fit a certain role, always hoping to make the prefered impression.
The other day when I was very nervous about a certain meeting with a certain someone who I felt was more “important” than me, my friend kept saying to me over and over again, “There is God and there are people. God. People. God. People.” Two seperate things and all of us people are in the same category. If we can internalize that idea – they are just people – wherever we are, we will feel freed from the burden of impressing, acting and we’ll just be who we are. Yes, I would still strive to be as good a person as possible, but it would just be with the goal of being good, not mixed with feelings of wanting to impress.
Which brings me to another personal bondage: Questioning myself, if I’m good enough (morally, socially…). I always wonder if I’m being good enough in different realms of my life. I wonder if I’m being a good enough worker in my jobs, if I’m writing good enough stuff, if I’m a good enough daughter, sister, aunt, niece, friend, granddaughter… I take a ton of resposibility on myself and when I think of doing less, I start feeling guilty. Ah yes, guilt!
Someone just said to me, about this, that if I know that I’m a good person at my core, I can stop worrying so much and just live. He said I should “be myself to a fault” and then apologize. Sigh… if only.
I can go on, of course, because I feel like a ton of things bind me, but basically you get the point. I don’t feel free. My mind controls me, my inhibitions don’t let me be. My questioning of self haunts me. I spend too much energy on worrying and not enough time just being.
I just hope that over time I can find a way to move beyond these inhibitions and just go out there into the world and be Deena to a fault.
Happy holiday of freedom!