The “should” voice haunts me

I have been going through probably one of the most stressful times I’ve ever gone through. Those following me on twitter (yep, I’m a twitterer now, or however you say it) or on facebook have probably noticed this little fact.

I hope I’m seeing the light at the end of this tunnel. Well, as far as the stresses are concerned, the stressful factors at work (where I work with elderly people) should be lowering very soon. That is really important and very good. Also, this past week I was working on an article that was emotionally draining. It was about the Israeli organization ZAKA. They’re the ones that pick up body parts after a terrorist attack. They do other things too but basically they deal with horrible things on a regular basis.

I had the great privilege of meeting Yehuda Meshi Zahav, the founder and current chairman of ZAKA, but I didn’t only listen to the horror for 1 hour, 15 minutes that Sunday night at Starbucks. Afterwards, for a week, I had to keep listening to it, in order to get the material for the article. And it was in Hebrew so I needed to translate.

Oy veis mir.

I sent that article in today and got excellent feedback from the editor. So, I’m feeling amazing about that and I’m looking forward to it being printed on the front page of the Jewish Independent, here in Vancouver, this Thursday. I’ll post the online version probably a few days later.

Finally, I’ve been using my old laptop while my good one is in the shop. And this one sometimes takes minutes, many, many minutes, to process things (even typing many times!). Imagine the stress that creates. And, I’m thrilled to announce to my beloved readers, who care more about my computer situation than anything else, that Best Buy just phoned, that it is ready to be picked up. HALILUYA!!!!! So I’ll be picking it up tomorrow afternoon after work.

יש!

I cannot believe I took a stress day off of work today. Never thought that day would come but it did. Yesterday I was talking to my best friend in Israel and I said that I just couldn’t go into work. I got wise advice from her to follow that feeling and I did. Yeah, a stress day. Sheesh. But I did it. I was going to go to Lynn Valley to be one with nature (uhu) but procrastinated too much. I then was going to go to Stanley Park but only made it to the bus stop where I decided that it was possibly even too rainy for yours truly to go walking on the sea wall. Oh well. I think maybe I also just didn’t feel like going alone (even though theoretically I specifically wanted to go alone).

Instead, I went into the thrift store and sat on couches and rocking chairs. Then I walked up Fraser to get a couple of things.

Fraser is so eclectic. Isn’t it interesting that I live right here? All the Chinese, Indian, Arab people, walking around. The stuff being sold is eclectic too. Today I saw a really cool, long, hot pink skirt for, I think $3. It was Indian style. (There are so many clothing stores here that sell things in that price range.) And so many Asian-style restaurants and family-owned produce stores. Pretty interesting place.

Anyway, as for the subject of this post which has gotten way out of hand because I feel the need to write, I mentioned the “should” voice.

There are a few things that cause me stress in my life and one of them is that voice constantly (and I truly mean constantly) going in my head, judging every action I take or don’t take. “You should have done this, you should do that, you shouldn’t say that, you shouldn’t have gone, not gone, thought, said…”

This voice is a true killer. I wish I knew how to shut it up. I mean, of course I want to do the right thing, make good choices, but this is too much. It totally controls me and if it doesn’t control me, it still has a firm hold on me so I remember it’s there. I can’t make a decision without feeling the “should” voice having a party about what I should or shouldn’t have done.

The other thing that stresses me out is not seeing things in perspective. It’s like everything is the biggest deal. And, in case you didn’t notice, that goes back to the “should” voice. How I act is a humongous deal in my head. I feel this great, awesome, totally exaggerated weight on my shoulders to leave everything I touch in a state of perfection. Like, people will be able to look at a place and say, “Ah, Deena has been here. There is the stamp of perfection on it.”

Can I please understand that it’s not all up to me? Can I please realize that I cannot fix everything or always act saintly? Can I? Please? PLEASE?!

And that’s my rant. Whoever read this far deserves a prize. Sorry, don’t have any. Please post a comment if you actually got here. :)

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7 thoughts on “The “should” voice haunts me

  1. Actually got here. .and actually have comments about a few of ur blogs.
    Though u seem VERY fixated on the whole ‘Jewish’ culture thing.
    WHICH IS KEWL. .certainly do NOT mean to offend in any way.
    For that matter, would really like to engage with a cpl discussions, just not at all religion related. So honestly it’s a bit intimidating. .and confusing.
    Seems like ur an interesting person with much to say. .though why always attached to religious undertones? If i may. .without sparking ANY debate at all regarding religion.

    whu?
    http://whuu.wordpress.com/

    1. Hey, thanks for writing. I’m sorry. Of course I do not mean to intimidate anyone. I can understand your question and concern. I just believe that my heritage has given me so much and I give it credit when I see it as the thing that has helped me go in good directions. And in general I just live a very Jewish-oriented life and so it shows in my writing. Of course MANY of the things I talk about could be discussed without getting into religious questions/issues. I’d love to hear your thoughts but please accept that it is possible I’ll mention my heritage if I feel it adds to the discussion.

      How’s that?

  2. Awesome! Understood completely, appreciated, and respected.
    i’m actually stoked U even responded. . ;0).
    Would definitely like to drop in and participate whenever possible and throw in a few of my own Oy veis[s].
    If that is kewl. .

    1. Are you? Surprised, I mean? My rule is, if you are respectful and appropriate, I’ll approve your comment. And I make an effort to answer every comment. So, there you go. :) If you want to check out my REALLY Jewish website, go to http://blogmidrash.wordpress.com. We’re talking about Passover right now. Are you actually Jewish? (Asking because of the oy vey: )

  3. Sounds like a big winner to me. ;0)
    U sound quite educated and open, which are THE best qualities to have, and i certainly enjoy learning. So yes. .i’ll be checking the Midrash as well.
    No. .not religious at all. Quite spiritual, and open to all relevant historic publications ie. .bible/Kabbalah/Qur’an. .etc.
    i’m quite fond of a very cute flick called ‘Kissing Jessica Stein’ , which is one of the many oy vey references i’ve been tickled by and decided to borrow from.
    i do find myself throwing the term around quite a bit. .hmmm.

  4. Pingback: Using “Could” instead of “Should” « Wears her heart on her blog

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