This is a very emotional post. I wrote it while feeling terribly sad about the pain I see in this world. And I was facing facts about how I feel about what I see. I hesitate sharing this post because it was written in a time of darkness for me but I think there is something to be gained from it so I am going to share it anyhow. I have since had a great, heated discussion about the topic of “God – good or bad?” with Rabbi Shmulik and my wise-beyond-his-years friend, Daniel. More on that to come but first I’m sharing my first, raw feelings regarding this question. Here you go:
I’m sorry. I really don’t want to upset anyone but I really feel the need to share this.
I am absolutely sick and tired of trying to pretend that I see anyway to view God, the Creator, whatever, as good. It is so lame! I feel like it’s one of those things where I’ve been trying to just force myself to think I think that it’s possible, when deep down, over and over again, my gut tells me that the facts show otherwise.
Stop giving excuses for God! There is death but it’s our fault? Come on. There is suffering but it’s for some great existential reason we cannot understand? Please.
We’re always taught to use God as an example in order to decide how to act in life. So, what do I learn from God? That I should hurt people? He hurts them in the most painful ways. Diseases that are worse than probably any human could ever think up. Mental disease, the inner torment that it is for the person sick with it and the nightmare for those close to them. Physical disease…
I’m sick of trying to force myself to believe something that to me seems totally unintuitive.
I know people who suffer so much in life and then when something goes sort of well for them, they thank God and talk about how wonderful He is. Um, what about when things are going bad? Why don’t you then say how terrible He is? Besides the fact that it seems to me that some of these people suffer more than not, so it doesn’t even make sense to be so grateful when finally something sort of good comes along. Only when it fits the picture then you mention Him as the cause?
My experiences this week have really shaken me up, big time. Seeing suffering up close. Seeing deterioration of humans, and hearing more stories of the same, it’s like a terrible horror movie.
Because I want to believe that God is good, I always open myself up to being swayed in that direction, but I’m sick of it because I’m not being intellectually honest with myself.
When I was speaking to a Holocaust survivor the other day, I said that rabbis, when asked why the Holocaust happened, say, “We cannot know.” This man said it’s a cop out because they aren’t saying the truth, that maybe God really just isn’t as merciful as they’d like to believe.
He is actually a believer, after everything he’s gone through. But he does not know how God can be merciful and let people create such horror.
Stop putting all the blame on the people. It is not fair to give God no credit. He’s the One who created the world as it is. He’s the One who chose to make humans humans. Please don’t give me that.