Bitter Break-Ups

Everyone knows that break-ups are hard but once you’ve experienced it, then you really know what everyone’s talking about. I know that for me it is probably one of the most difficult things I’ve ever gone through.

We’ve all seen how painful break-ups can be. We’ve seen how bitter people can get. We’ve watched as lovers become enemies, sometimes overnight.

How is it even possible for two people to go from being so close to so bitter? Why, for example, are so many divorces so dirty? Did they not love each other?

I believe that love is a word not even worth mentioning. Because it is too hard a word to define and it is used way too loosely to hold any true meaning in this article.

I think that what is lacking in most, or all, of these relationships, is true, candid, respectful communication. In other words, I do think there is an alternative to bitter break-ups. The alternative is communication. It is hard work. But considering the pain we experience over a break-up, I think it is more than worthwhile. More than that, relationships in themselves can be so painful. Communication will inevitably help us have more meaningful, peaceful and happy relationships. It will also lower the chances of a break-up ever happening.

If two people are constantly working on their relationship, not much bitterness or resentment can grow. What does it mean to communicate? Here are some things that exist in a communicative relationship:

1. Both sides are putting approximately equal effort into the relationship.
2. Both sides are open to discussing issues that arise.
3. Each person is open with the other about their expectations and hopes.
4. Each person works on creating an environment where the other one feels safe sharing their feelings and thoughts with their partner.
5. Each person tries to better themselves all the time.

I know from experience that even in a relationship like that, a break-up involves hurt. You look back and sadly wonder why it couldn’t work. When I asked my newly no-longer boyfriend if he secretly blames me for things not working out, he admitted that certain thoughts of that kind go through his head. And I admitted to him that there are things that I blame on him.

But we are far from a bitter break-up because we both know that whatever happened, we both were giving it a real try. We both know that we never wanted to hurt each other and we always apologized to each other when necessary. Sometimes, one person would have to ask the other for the apology but all this was part of the relationship. We had lots and lots of communication.

We almost never let negative feelings stay unexamined. If one person was upset, we’d get it out in the open as quickly as possible (in the beginning it took longer than later on when we were more comfortable with each other) and discuss it. We’d usually learn a lot about each other from those conversations and have a better understand of what happened and what might be changed next time. These conversations also usually made us feel closer to each other.

Even so, our break-up is not totally smooth. It takes getting used to. We now finally had to admit that after everything, all our hard work, it just didn’t work. It’s a sad reality to come to terms with but at least we know that both of us tried. At least we know that we cared – and care – about each other and always wanted the best for one another. Part of my immaturity blames him for how things worked out but I know that those feelings are only because it’s so fresh and sad and scary. But in the long run, we each know what effort the other person put in.

In my opinion, it is not the amount of “love” in the relationship that’s important when it comes to peace during and after. The fact is that probably the main factor in a healthy relationship is communication. And I do believe that if two people go quickly from lovers to enemies, then there was probably a lack of attention given to building a strong foundation of open, respectful communication.

I believe that any relationship that is based on this type of communication, even if it doesn’t work out in the end, will end on much better terms than often happens, because everything is out in the open and the whole way through the relationship you each knew what the intentions and expectations of the other was.

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3 thoughts on “Bitter Break-Ups

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  1. So true! Yet still so many of us live with the misconception that “love is all you need”… I also believe that love can grow, or be diminished, by the actions and efforts (or lack thereof…) put into a relationship. People think that a relationship based on love is like putting a key in a lock – once you meet, you simply fit together and everything opens up for you. But like you said, a healthy relationship should be based on the kind of acceptance and willingness that can only be achieved with open, honest communication – and that takes a lot of effort and constant work. Yehudit Ravitz sings an incredible song called “Viduy” (confession) – do you know that song? if not, look it up here (there’s a youtube link there and also the words): http://ucublink.livejournal.com/
    this song makes me shiver every time. read the words and I think you’ll understand what i mean…

    love
    tamar

  2. As newly break-up casuality, I find myself wondering why there was not more communication. I know what she says, but the actions speak differently. I would like to believe that the break bothers her too, but I find it hard to believe. If she cared that much, why leave?

    1. Break ups suck. Have I mentioned they suck? And when there isn’t very open communication, then afterwards you wonder what the other person is *really* thinking and feeling. Even WITH lots of communication one can start wondering about these things. As for your last question, I don’t think it’s fair to say to someone, “I love you but I’m leaving you.” I’m wondering if she said something like that. I’d agree with you. If she loves you, why is she leaving you? And that brings us to the question of, what is love? I think there is possibly a major misdefinition of love and the word is used way, way, WAY too losely. Be well.

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