Not an easy task. You’re up against so much when you think of doing what you really want to be doing.
I’m not talking about throwing all caution to the wind and trying things that are just stupid. I’m not talking about being irresponsible. I’m talking about doing things like going on a trip to China by yourself. I’m talking about moving across the world for a couple of years. Or searching for a new career, or working towards the marathon even though you’re middle-aged and out of shape.
I am proud of myself for making some big decisions that were not easy at all. I had to push myself intensely for a while to get myself to do it. It wasn’t only other people big-time questioning. It was me also. But I fought myself.
For example, when I decided to go to Canada for a while (after living in Israel with my family for almost 16 years), I had so many negative feelings about it. I felt stupid, crazy, ridiculous… But I also felt like I needed to do something, it seemed like this was the thing I needed to do and so even when it felt literally ridiculous to me, I pushed myself to do it.
Anyway, this is also connected to how you are in relationships. Not only the big ones but in general, how you are with people. Are you generally acting how you want to be acting with people? Are you meaner than you want to be or a people pleasure? There is something about my behavior around and with people that has become more and more upsetting to me over the last year and a half. It started with my therapist over a year ago pointing it out to me and has come to the point where this week I made a very conscious (out loud, to my best friend) decision to work hard on changing it. Let me just say I am very, very excited about this change and look forward to it really helping me be happier with myself and with others. (Maybe more about this later.)
But because of this change I’ve taken on myself, I was thrilled, two days ago to find a post on the blog A Simple Jew which really blew me away. I don’t know. It is written so well. It just touched me for the truth in it. It touched me because it is how I want to be. It is exciting to me that this post (which is actually a excerpt from the book, Where Earth and Heaven Kiss) is on the internet so I was able to find it and read it.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Please don’t worry about understanding the term used a few times, courageous hitbodidut. Think of it pretty much as meaning having a thinking-for-yourself session and acting on the Truths that evolve out of that session.
I hope you enjoy it.