Category Archives: Spirituality

Using “Could” instead of “Should”

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I’ve yet again had enough of my should voice. It is my incessant personal judge. It tricks me into thinking that there is always some ultimate way of behaving in every single given situation.

But my intellect has since matured and I see how much those shoulds are lacking in complexity and understanding.

So suddenly, a few days ago, I had an epiphany. I decided that whenever I catch myself saying that I should behave in a certain way, I’m going to switch the word (or idea) with “could.”

And so far, I must say that it has been a great success. I am finding my narrow-minded pressure making space for a world of choices.

Examples

OK fine, you want some examples? I’ll give them to you but please keep in mind that I think they sound pretty stupid when said out loud. Eek. :/

Here you go:

Should: Deena, it’s after midnight! You shouldn’t be up this late.
Could: You could be up this late. Or you could go to sleep.
The experience: Much less stress around the experience. It isn’t as if I sinned for being up after midnight nor will it be a sin if I stay up longer.

Should: Deena, it’s so bad that you’re leaving the heat on so much. So expensive and frivolous.
Could: Deena, you could have the heat on less if you want.
The experience: Understanding that my actions are not the be all and end all of money-spending and energy-using. Perspective.

Should: You should read all the old material from the first version of this blog post to make sure you don’t lose something that’s written really well.
Could: You could read all the old stuff from yesterday or you could just delete it. Whatev.
The experience: Letting go. Not worrying too much about the repercussions of my actions as if they are so critical.
P.S. I didn’t read it over. I just deleted the old stuff.

Should: I should include a picture with this post.
Could: I could include a picture with this post.
The experience: Get over it. Or, just stop it.

Should: I should feel offended by what he said.
Could: I could feel offended by what he said.
The experience: I could just let it slide. I will survive and so will my ego.

For the most part, the shift in thought is opening up my moments to opportunity as opposed to confining me to one supposedly righteous way.  The shift in my experience is from heaviness and seriousness to being more easy-going and lighthearted. So, so far so good.

Yes, I should have a proper ending to this post but I just can’t think of one!

I could have a proper ending. But I guess I won’t.

Tata!

Happiness, making the best, blah blah blah

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Here is one of the recent pictures going around Facebook:

"The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything."

What’s wrong with this quote

Am I the only one that cringes from this kind of quote? I think it’s just annoying that it is assumed we’re all on the same page with a lot of the lofty terms mentioned here. Lets go through them:

The happy person

There is an assumption that we know what it means to be a “happy person.” From a quote like this, I automatically picture tranquil, smiley, laughing people. (AKA, those annoying happy people.) But what is true happiness?

Making the best

There is also an assumption that we’re supposed to know what it means to “make the best” out of something. I picture the person being faced with a terrible situation. This person who is excellent at making the best out of everything, quickly takes a good look at the facts and pick out the one, tiny little good thing about the situation and feels good about it.

But is that making the best? Or is that lying to yourself? I don’t believe in making “the best” out of any situation because that alludes to making everything seem OK when it isn’t OK. I think that truly making the best means rolling with the punches, feeling how one is made to feel from whatever is experienced. Appreciating whatever one can appreciate without believing that one is supposed to feel great.

The best things in life

Finally, there is an assumption that we all know what the best things in life are. What does that even mean, the best things? Who is to judge who has the best things and who doesn’t?

So who are the happiest people then?

I believe that the happiest people are those who aren’t desperately looking for happiness. They are the ones who wouldn’t think of making this sign. They are the ones who just don’t focus on happiness and whether or not they have it.

They are also people who try to make good things happen for themselves and others and they don’t really think about whether or not they have what they supposedly deserve. They don’t even go there.

Who do you think are the happiest people?

Important lessons from this past year

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Tonight is Rosh Hashana. Everyone is writing their introspective thoughts on Facebook, emailing shana tova blessings and calling each other. And yes, I’m also feeling introspective and extro-spective. I am looking at my world thinking about what’s gone down and what hasn’t. Feeling grateful for all the wonderful things in my life and sad about the tragedy of life.

I’m working in the same company as last year but have since learned plenty about content, about online stuff and most recently, learning a ton about project management – my most recent position. I’m learning how to work with all kinds of people. I’m learning when to take charge, when to make decisions and when to lean on those around me.

I’m learning about the cyclical nature of relationships. I’m learning about the importance of keeping the peace and keeping the relationships good with those closest to me. I am learning that if both sides will it, it’s usually possible.

I’m learning that I’m not always perfect so I should really get over that idea.

I’m learning that it’s so often not about me.

I’m learning that life is most definitely a bed of roses – it is full of wonderful fragrances, beautiful views and lots of thorns.

I’m learning that it’s really easy to want something you don’t have.

I’m learning to appreciate the time I have, the health I have, the people I have, right now.

I’m learning that sometimes it is best to follow the recipe.

And, thank God, I’m learning to be a nicer person.

And why do I write this all in present tense? Because none of this ends. It is all part of the process of my life.

Shana tova umetuka,

Deena

The most important moment of the week

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I heard a talk a while ago around the idea that Judaism is a religion where time is the most important thing. Now someone just told me he heard a talk where the rabbi said that the most important moment of the week is the moment when we go from week day into Shabbat. Our lives, potentially, revolve around that moment. We rush all week, maybe especially right before Shabbat, then we light the candles and *poof*, we’re in a new realm of existence. Not that anything really changed but it did.

When this guy shared that idea with me, I said that it almost made me feel like fully keeping Shabbat again. : ) It seems so powerful, almost like it reminds us that we have the power. We think that life is just pushing us along but we choose to stop it all. Of course we could choose not to and of course some people don’t even feel that they are choosing to keep Shabbat, but if you can feel that you’re choosing to keep it – I mean seriously, you don’t have to, right? – then you can experience freedom through this.

And is freedom not what we all want? True freedom?

Yom Kippur uninspired

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It’s interesting to me (though not surprising) that these High Holidays, my first in many years in Jerusalem, are turning out to be the most uninspiring.

I dunno… Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur are too overwhelming for me. I really just don’t feel the strength to try to make it meaningful because every time I start making an attempt, I feel like withdrawing and stopping.

I think I always have this feeling before Yom Kippur, that I wish it was over already. I love when it’s over. It’s the best feeling.

Ah! I really don’t know. Maybe it only feels somewhat meaningful to me (or sometimes very meaningful to me) because of all the hype. Yom Kippur is the ultimate day of hype. It’s the Jewish holiday that the most Jews celebrate and participate in. Is this just by chance or for a reason?

It’s really quite stressful thinking about this one day a year – well, 25 hours – when we should try to think of everything that has happened and everything we want to happen, not only to ourselves, but to everyone we care about and all Jews and the whole world.

And, of course, I’m just dreading the fast. I do hate fasting. And for those of you who don’t know, when us Jews fast, it means no food or drink, the whole time (except you aren’t allowed to put your body in danger so you must talk to a rabbi if you have medical questions regarding the fast). In this case, in Jerusalem, starting this evening at around 5pm, ending tomorrow evening at around 6pm.

I think that for myself I’m introspective so much of the time anyway that I’m not sure what to do differently on Yom Kippur. And I feel like it’s this window of time to quickly pray for whatever you want and that stresses me out.

OK, those are my current feelings on Yom Kippur. I sound so down here. I must say I’m not. I wish I had more positive feelings about the day that is beginning soon, but it’s OK. I’m still so happy to be here and I know that it’ll be over soon and we can move on to Sukkot!

Also, on a brighter note, I’m so so so grateful that I’m in a gazillion times better place than I was last YK. Last year I had the worst YK I’d ever had (and hope I ever have). I was in pain and couldn’t take pain killers, I was in the process of ending a long relationship which was horribly painful, I was unemployed after someone hired me, I waited two months for the job, and then they let me go after four days and, I lead the pre-teen services at the Conservative shul in Vancouver with all that going on. fyi, leading the services wasn’t bad, persay, it was just difficult considering how I was feeling in general.

But, I must say that after those hard times, things totally TOTALLY turned around for me! I had, for the most part, a really wonderful last year in Vancouver. Met great people, did great work, started writing seriously, finally! … So, I can’t say it was “worth” it but, however it works, it worked out.

Gmar chatima tova to all! I can’t translate this because that opens up a whole other can of worms. :)

The idea of Mashiach never sits right with me

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I have never been able to figure out the whole idea of Mashiach (Messiah). It just doesn’t sit well with me at all. Who is this redeemer dude that we’re all waiting for? What is supposed to be so great about the time of Mashiach? I have always felt guilty to admit out loud that I do not hope for the time of the third beit hamikdash (temple). It just sounds stressful and, the worst part, it sounds like we lose our freedom.

People always talk about it like it’s a time when we all feel close to God, want to serve him, serve him with a whole heart, etc. etc. I’m claustrophobic just thinking about it.

How do you understand the whole Mashiach idea?

Am I Jewish if I don't believe in God? What does it mean to believe?

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I co-wrote an article with Rabbi Shmulik Yeshayahu of the Kollel in Vancouver. It’s part of an “Ask the Rabbi” column in the Jewish Independent in B.C. Canada.

I heard it’s considered “brilliant” so I hope you’ll give it a try!

Use the soul to discover faith

My top 10 things about being Jewish: #1!

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Quite a long time ago, at least in blog years, I started a countdown of my favourite things about being Jewish. I never finished because I couldn’t think of the top two. I wanted them to be things that really rock the house and anything less than that didn’t feel like they deserved places one or two.

Now I have found my number one thing.

My favourite thing about Judaism/being Jewish is our attitude towards life. Our belief that there is something inherently sacred in life itself. Our attitude probably towards everything in life is affected by our belief in life as an ideal in and of itself. Just think how much technology is put into warfare just so that we can target the “bad guy” as much as possible. In other words, even when it comes to our enemies who might be very dangerous, we care about their lives and minimizing death.

Throughout my countdown, I didn’t compare Judaism to other religions. But I must point something out here. Last night I was thinking that this will be the #1 on my countdown. This morning I looked at the front page of the paper and saw that Hamas has made a movie about their holy war with the Jews and the world. The favourite line of this movie – the line that apparently got applause in the Gaza theatre – was “To kill Israeli soldiers is to worship God.”

It’s a horrible thing to think that someone believes that killing anyone is a holy endeavour. Yes, we sometimes must kill, but a Jew, ideally and, I believe, usually, is not happy about it. It is a necessity, not a good thing in itself.

I truly believe that if everyone took care of their own, really cared about the lives of their loved ones, there would be peace. I think that the root of wars is people caring more about some kind of ideology or idea or just good ol’ stuff (wealth, etc.) than caring about their loved ones.

If the whole world could instill in itself the idea that life is the most sacred thing, the world would be a very different place.

So, that is my number one. I went out of order. Now I still need a #2.

Here is the list so far.

What is the point of life? Pleasure? Come on!

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I couple of days ago I wrote a small post about a shiur (class) I’d just listened to that was actually quite excellent. Yup, I listened to the whole thing! I know, it’s unbelievable.

Anyway, it’s called “Why be Jewish” by Rabbi Dovid Orlofsky and at the end (I’m gonna wreck it for you right now but it’s still worth listening to) he said that according to the book Mesilat Yesharim (The Path of the Just) by Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto, the point of life is for us to have pleasure. And the greatest pleasure is to be close to HaShem.

Can we just focus on the first part of the answer for a moment? The point is to enjoy? To have pleasure? I definitely don’t remember learning that in Hebrew school. Oh, I mean, day school. Anyway I had a further discussion with someone about this and he said, in regards to his job, that the most important thing is that he’s having fun. ???? Really? And honestly, his explanation made sense to me. I will explain how I understand it.

We can put our heart and soul into something in life but we can never know how it will turn out. So we may as well be enjoying the process! Also, we need to keep at it (whatever “it” is) in order to allow there to be potential of “success” (whatever that is) so allowing the process to be enjoyable (instead of worrying all the time, will it even succeed) allows us to persue our goals/dreams.

Second, we are much more productive and creative when we’re getting pleasure out of what we’re doing. I understand from this the importance of trying to do something that is really part of you (for me, my writing).

How does that fit with the quote from Mesilat Yesharim? I suppose that when you’re doing something you really enjoy, it’s actually your soul saying that it’s being fulfilled in this world – that is the pleasurable feeling we get – and that is one of the ways to get closer to Hashem. Is that logical?

I still have issues with this. It does seem frivilous, but I can see how maybe it is the truth.

The post from two days ago includes a link to the class.

A bar mitzva 77 years late

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Over the last few years, I keep hearing about people who have their bar or bat mitzvas once they’re older. Then I hear about people doing it when they’re much older. Today I read an article about a man who just had his bar mitzva at the age of 90.

Why is it so touching to us to see this happen? Is it proof that things we think we missed or lost, are not necessarily out or reach? Do we see that even after tens of years, the majority of your life, living one way, you can choose something else?

At my work with Jewish elderly we’ve lately been thinking about having a group bar/bat mitzva. Like the man in the article, some are hesitant and worried about being put on the spot or having to do things they don’t really know how to do (like read Hebrew), but imagine the gratification of such an accomplishment or even such a decision, at such an age.

*sniff sniff* (Really, btw, you should see me right now. I’m bawling from all the touching things I’ve seen and read this evening.)

Read the article here.