There is a lot about parenting in this one. So it shall be. :)
Another one about parenting. “Singles do things that they don’t even realize are things.”
Just so cute!!!
This really gets across the absurdity of random Facebook friends.
There is a lot about parenting in this one. So it shall be. :)
Another one about parenting. “Singles do things that they don’t even realize are things.”
Just so cute!!!
This really gets across the absurdity of random Facebook friends.
Some articles speak to me so much that once they’re opened in a tab, it’s hard for me to close them. Once my computer starts slowing down because of all the open tabs, I know it’s time to say goodbye. No! Don’t make me do it! So I thought, why not share the wealth with my readers? And that’s what I’ve decided to do. I hope you enjoy these amazing articles I’ve come across over the last few weeks.
I hail Nicolai Frederik Bonnén Rossen who went to Botswana for a photo shoot with some dudes and some lions. As he put it:
Can’t explain in words how anxiety-provoking it feels to be just three guys and no weapons whatsoever face-off with six adult, male lions and not a soul to hear you within miles.
The photographs in this article are stunning. The descriptions are so eloquent too. Such talent.
You’re Just a Dumbass is a blog I just found which is about dating (found it after the author “Liked” one of my pieces on Habitza.com). She is definitely more crass than me but she’s quite insightful. Here is the best line from this post:
…[Men] don’t say to themselves: I’m not pretty enough, I’m not at the sexiest at the moment, I put on some weight, or whatever else that would stop them from trying to get what they want.
Here is a piece with a few simple tips for figuring out if you’re on the right track or not. I loved reading it because it made me feel great about the direction I’m currently taking at a time when I can use all the positive reinforcement I can get. She starts by saying you should ask yourself two questions:
1. What am I really good at? 2. What can I be passionate about for a really long time?
And then she gives more tips on how to get to the bottom of it. Read more.
I admit I’ve had this one open for a while already, to remind myself about my inner thoughts that could definitely lead to major nervousness, if not a nervous breakdown. The writer mentions destructive thoughts like:
If people really knew me, they’d hate me–and probably want nothing to do with me.
So bad! What are your self destructive thoughts? Read all four here.
This funny-cuz-it’s-true comic strip depicting 12 kinds of procrastinations. Of course it’s not as if I can relate to all 12 of them, or anything like that. Why would you even think that? Check it out. That is unless you haven’t yet admitted to yourself that you’re a procrastinator, just like the rest of us. :)
What a great explanation about why my generation tends to be unhappy. Beautifully done with great diagrams. For example:
It’s a little long but very worthwhile. That’s all, folks. Let me know if you enjoyed this. Have a wonderful week, Queen Deena (I’m considering that career direction, testing it out.)
My first post in Hebrew. Ever. No need to correct mistakes though thanks for the offer. :) And to the English speakers, good luck with Google Translate.
זה הפוסט הראשון שלי בעברית. ולמה זה קורה עכשיו? כי היה לי רומן והוא קצת שינה אותי. מה זה רומן? זה קשר שמשנה אותך לטובה. שגורם לך להבין קצת יותר מי את ומה את צריכה ולמה את מדהימה וחכמה ומבינה וטובה ויפה.
אז זה קרה. לא כל כך ידעתי שכאילו דברים באמת קורים, רומן שנמשך שעות בודדות, אבל הנה קרה. וזה שבכלל יצא לנו להפגש במשך היום הבודד הזה זה מדהים. כי לא התאים בכלל שנפגש. לא לי ולא לו. אבל הבנו שכדאי, או סתם רצינו משום מה, אני חושבת שטיפה הבנו שיש משהו בינינו. אז הוא בא לירושלים מרחוק ואני נפגשתי עם חילוני גמור גמור (מבחוץ) שחי חיים שונים מאד ממני.
אבל רק מבחוץ זה שונה. מבפנים זה דימיון מפתיע. אבל זה לא שינה שום דבר בסוף. אין מה לעשות, דברים חיצוניים הם מאד חשובים והיו עוד המון דברים שעמדו נגדנו וכתוצאה מכל הגורמים, הרומן היה בר יום בודד בלבד. אבל איזה יופי שהיה את היום הזה! מישהי נעימה מלמעלה כן הרשתה לנו פגישה אחד. פגישה חמודה ושונה ונוגעת ללב.
ואני עצובה אבל זה קצת שינה אותי. לטובה. זה עזר לי קצת יותר להפרד ממשהו אחר שתקוע לי בלב. זה גרם לי להבין מה חשוב. זה נתן לי טעימה של איך יהיה עם הבחור הנכון וזה עזר לי לדעת שאני חייבת לא להתפשר על הדברים הלא נכונים (טוב, זה הוא אמר לי בפירוש). זאת אומרת שאני חייבת להרגיש מוערכת ומדהימה עם הבחור שלי. אני גם צריכה מאד להעריך אותו ולראות כמה שהוא טוב, טוב, טוב. וחכם רגשית וחכם אינטלקטואלית. ואני צריכה להרגיש שפשוט בא לי להיות איתו. ושפשוט בא לו להיות איתי. ואני צריכה להרגיש שאני יכולה להיות מאד פתוחה איתו ולראות שהוא מאד פתוח איתי ושנעים להיות פתוחים אחד עם השנייה.
רומן בר יום. מי היה מאמין… זה הסתיים בעצב. הוא אמר לי כל מיני דברים נוגעים ללב על כמה שהוא שמח שהוא פגש אותי ונתנו אחד לשנייה חיבוק וירטואלי ואיחלנו אחת לשני המון טוב.
וזה היה הסוף. אבל ברוך השם על החוויה ששנתה בי משהו, שקצת פתחה אותי, קצת גרמה לי להעריך את עצמי יותר, קצת גרם לי להבין את עצמי יותר, ואולי טיפה גם את העולם. ואני מתפללת שזה עשה גם לו משהו טוב.
אז להתראות, חמוד. הסכמנו בדייט היחיד שלנו ששנואות על שנינו פרדות. והנה הזדמנה לנו פרידה.
Parting is such sweet sorrow.
Image by Cieleke.
Amira Young wrote a post explaining how she could have known that her marriage wasn’t going to work based on signs she shared with her readers in said post.
Amira, I would not be surprised if you did in fact have a gut feeling that something was off in the relationship. But I’m not convinced that the signs you shared in your post are them.
It doesn’t sound like he did anything wrong. I actually think it sounds pretty nice and romantic. I’m serious. The problem is there is an expectation that everyone should do the American-style proposal. This is a pretty unfair assumption. If that wasn’t his cup of tea and he didn’t have it in him to do it, face this fact. He is not romantic in this way. (You say he wasn’t romantic in any way but that’s too vague to refer to.)
So, either take it because he makes up for it in other ways, or leave it because maybe this is something you really need.
Also, everything needs to be a discussion. Theoretically, during your dating period you could have explained to him what kind of romantic gestures you enjoy and want. And then you could have seen whether or not he attempts to do things for you based on what you like. I can’t know whether or not you tried that.
There are a lot of people who keep certain traditions at important occasions (like men wearing a kippa during the wedding ceremony). It is more about how you and your groom dealt with the whole thing, rather than the outcome, that would be telling.
But having a kosher wedding could be purely a nice gesture towards your heritage. It in itself doesn’t say anything about your in laws and definitely not about your ex.
Some people don’t have many friends. I’m not sure this is a bad sign. The strange thing is that you only found out about this when you were doing the invitations. How did you get that far in your relationship without ever meeting his friends or at least talking about them? That seems to be a red light regarding your relationship, not just him.
You wrote: “[I] acquiesced my wants and desires just to make everyone else comfortable.”
In general no one should feel like they’re being forced to do anything in a relationship. If there is a disagreement – even if it supposedly only has to do with you and you could wonder why he should even have a say in it – then there should be a discussion/argument and then you should reach an agreement that makes you both feel OK.
The way you felt about it is a very bad sign. Again, not necessarily (though possibly) about him. But definitely about your dynamics.
You say his argument was childish. But maybe your argument about your wedding dress seemed childish to him. Why do you need to be able to relate to his reasoning? The huge problem is the fact that you felt such a lack of respect towards him in regards to this. You can’t marry someone towards whom you feel such disrespect.
I also don’t get what the big deal is that once he realized his brother wore one at his wedding, he decided it was OK. Why do we always need to be 100% logical and make purely “mature” decisions? He probably never thought in his life he’d wear a flower. He sounds like he’s not the type of person to notice what someone else is wearing and so the theoretical idea seems girlie. But hearing that his brother did it puts it in perspective and makes him realize it’s OK.
And… Wasn’t that nice of him to give in in order to make you happy? I wonder if he felt that he acquiesced his wants and desires just to make you comfortable.
Meh. This could go either way depending on the dynamics between you guys.
That is so sweet. My heart breaks to think that maybe he’s more traditional or private than you and instead of enjoying the show of affection, you deemed it as not enough (and at all connected to your sex life – I’d assume that at this point you knew what your sex life with him was like).
Of course I can’t really know what his reasons were but definitely, the hug in and of itself is a fine and lovely thing to do at the end of a chuppa.
Sorry for sharing such strong opinions about your piece. I feel like you didn’t write the real stuff and honestly I’m happy you didn’t because that’s between you and him (and it would probably not be fair to him to air your dirty laundry online).
And meanwhile, until you figure out the real issues (or maybe you did and don’t feel comfortable sharing them publicly), it’s so important not to learn the wrong lessons from our past relationships. And your post definitely is a sign of wrong lessons learned.
Beshert = destiny or the individual you’re destined to marry
Part of me has felt very bitter over the years for having to remain single and go on so many dates.
But lately, for some reason, my heart has opened enough that I’m able to feel nostalgia about the experiences I’ve had with the guys I’ve dated, especially those I dated for longer periods of time. I’m really not sure what has changed but suddenly I’m finding myself feeling more aware of the gratefulness I feel towards the men with whom I’ve had meaningful experiences.
Although they were not my Beshert, I now see them as my besherts – those with whom I was destined to be in relationships.
The first boy I really dated… We were both so young. He was (well, still is, I’m sure), very sweet. A truly gentle soul. My feelings towards him didn’t match his towards me but I was complimented to have a good boy have such strong feelings towards me. This was the first time I had to communicate openly with someone. I remember one time writing down on paper what I wanted to say and having to partially read it off the paper because I was so scared to open up.
Sadly, I broke his heart which in turn broke mine.
Then there was the guy I dated who was the first to drill into me the importance of openness and honesty in relationships. It was exciting to start finding out that there are men out there who want as open a relationship as I dream of having.
Then there was the guy with whom I really learned to communicate. He would sit patiently while it sometimes took me hours (literally) to get out what I wanted to say. I found out later that every time I took forever to say something, he was sure I was breaking up with him. Poor guy. He had real strength of character. He was my first real and extended relationship. We were together for over a year. We did so many things together and matured a lot together. We were both committed to making it work.
The two main things I always feel gratitude towards him for are the fact that with his seemingly infinite patience, he (very slowly) taught me to become a better communicator. And the other is that he started helping me understand that I am attractive.
Then there was the more recent guy who was so good to me. He just wanted to be with me, to make me happy. He made me understand some of the important traits I need in a partner. Someone who doesn’t play games. Someone straight forward, very giving, caring, loving and affectionate. Feeling cared for was a very important experience for me.
And now I have someone new to add to the list. The last few days I’ve been thinking about the guy who just broke up with me last week. Our time together lasted less than two weeks but there was something about it that made it feel longer.
With this guy I got a glimpse into what some moments might feel like with my Beshert. I really got to experience with him those fun, exciting dates that I don’t dare hope for. The ones where you make them laugh and they make you laugh. You have good conversation and you’re proud to walk down the street with them. He also made me feel very attractive – something that apparently I am taking a very long time to learn. There were beshert qualities in our dynamics and this has made me feel like I lost something, even though it was all so quick and it probably couldn’t have worked.
It’s liberating feeling endearment towards these men. Maybe none of them were my Beshert but I must admit that they did enrich my life forever by letting me experience them.
So, dear besherts, thank you.
I think that one of the things I don’t like about networking is that most of us feel the need to act perfect while doing it. Since the supposed goal of networking is to help get yourself business or, at the very least, leave a good impression, being clumsy, acting with a lack of self confidence or, worst of all, acting clueless, is a big no-no.
Lets see some rules for networking that make me want to hide at home. These rules have been paraphrased for anonymity and brevity:
Say something memorable so you’ll be remembered later.
Although I might remember someone who had something interesting to say, the people I’ll remember actively will be 1) nice and 2) have something to say that connects to me in some way. If you try to impress me, I’m outy (and annoyed).
People qualify either as: Potential clients, source of referrals or interesting-but-nothing-more. Realize that not everyone will be a prospect. People can also be useful in other ways.
I really hate the using aspect of networking. I guess it’s the same reason I dread singles events. Instead, be nice, be friendly. Let us learn new things from each other. Don’t treat me like an object through which you can acquire something and I won’t treat you that way.
Always act like you’re on a first date. (From here)
Sounds too difficult if you ask me. And misses the point. Again, you want to be a trust-worthy, kind and professional person. So be that person and then be yourself. OK, a little more difficult than dressing up and waxing the car, but much more to the point.
OK, so what tips would I give for networking? Here ya go:
Those are my rules for networking. They basically comprise being a mensch and carrying business cards. I made it easy so you can remember them easily.
Good luck. :)
It is 100% normal these days to temporarily and periodically fade out of a real conversation in order to”quickly” check what message just made your phone vibrate or beep or sing a song. Of course, you’re likely to answer the message too while you’re at it.
Accepted, maybe. But cool? Not so.
This video is super kitchy but so true that it more than makes up for the kitch. I think that a lot of us are on both sides of this rude coin and it seriously is about time that we got a hold of ourselves and asked ourselves why we’re so desperate to check our messages so obsessively.
A question: Who do you feel worse for when you do this to people or see others doing it: kids or elderly people?
Or is Srugim living my life?
Srugim is a TV show about the life I have just re-entered; the single’s life in Katamon, Jerusalem. I’ve watched TV shows about New Yorkers, LAers, even Canadians but I’ve never seen a show that is so connected to me personally. From what I know of Israeli TV (I barely watched any even during my first 16 years living here), this show is a breath of fresh air. In most Israel TV, the stories surround Tel Aviv and a pretty specific culture and community in that city. Srugim, being based in Jerusalem and around the religious community, is pretty much clean and the dialogue, from the admittedly little I’ve seen on youtube, is sweet, funny and touching. I will hopefully soon be making a point of watching the whole first season.
Here is a scene where two women are discussing their faith in God. It’s a good conversation, in my opinion.
Srugim has become very popular, not only amongst religious people. It won many awards for its first season. (Click on this wikipedia link for information about that.) It’s amazing and exciting returning to Israel to this new reality of a religious TV show finding its place on regular TV. They are currently filming the second season which I know because one scene was filmed at the cafe next to my house and another scene had my now-famous sister-in-law play in a lead role… You will see her as an, well, an extra this season! (But such an important extra!)
Of course whenever anyone tries to depict the Orthodox community, there are hesitated reactions because there is fear of negative PR. But this show is written and directed by men with kippas and women in shirts. Actually, the woman in the skirt, one of the co-producers, Chava Divon, her adorable little son was in kindergarden with my adorable little sister a few years ago, so I even know who she is. And though, like any show, it’s not 100% accurate – we don’t have such witty dialogue on such a regular basis, for example – it’s really just a fine little window into that world.
As for those of us in that world, it puts a whole new twist on TV watching, having a show that is so close to home. I like.
As for my Srugim life, two nights ago I went to my third group Katamon meal. It would be much simpler if I just called it a singles’ meal but I hate admitting that that is what unites all of us at these Shabbat meals. I lie to myself saying that theoretically there could be married couples at the table it’s just that for natural reasons, they end up hanging out in different social circles. Which makes those meals not singles’ meals but meals with singles.
Whatever! Whatever way you look at it, last night I went to my third singles meal since my return to Israel exactly a month ago. Eleven singles around a Shabbat table eating food prepared by a few of us including challah by yours truly, fyi. Again, just like at the other two meals I’ve been to so far, I had a wonderful time – I met some amazing new people which, as some of you know, makes me very happy – but I’m so freakin’ scared! I know you can never know when you’ll meet the right person. Who knows, maybe I already have. But I’m so scared this is going to be my life for a much longer time than I would prefer.
But, my bro gave me great advice which, if I could implement it, I do believe would serve me well. He said, it’s so hard to find the right person that meanwhile you may as well throw all caution to the wind. (Wine prior to my arrival at this past meal helped me implement those tactics. It was like my training wheels!)
Granted, I wouldn’t go that far, to throw all caution to the wind. I will make an effort, as much as I can, but there is truth in what my brother says. Meanwhile, having a good time is key! As long as, at the same time, you don’t lose sight of what you really want. Sometimes it’s just really hard to have a good time.
As for Srugim, will it be like comics and so many TV shows where the people never actually move on to new states in their lives? Now that would be depressing!
And to finish, here is a very cute scene that is 100% accurate with reality (um, yeah right) about a girl who doesn’t want to buy a new bed, even though she desperately needs one, because you only buy a new bed when you get married. Good to know.
If there is one thing that people say to singles that makes me want to go hide under my bed for the rest of my life, it’s, “You may as well just go out for coffee with the guy. I mean, you never know and it’s just a cup of coffee.”
Haha, I know, such a strong reaction to such a small sentence which, all in all, is not totally untrue. We don’t ever know and I just wrote a blog post on blogmidrash about the fact that sometimes we imagine that nothing could ever work out with a certain person but in the end that isn’t necessarily true. So why the abhorrence?
Where to begin…
As some people – and now all of you – are privy to know (yeah, I know it’s not exactly privy once it’s on a blog but lets pretend this is intimate here), dating is very painful for me. (I am toning it down here since, honestly, I’m worried about scaring people off.)
Basically, saying to me, “What have you got to lose?” is like saying, “Just go smother yourself in tar and feathers. It’s only tar and feathers!” And who knows what wonders may come of it!
Please imagine… You want to get married. You’ve been trying to meet the right person for, say, 11 years. A lot of different things have happened in those 11 years but, bottom line, you’re still freakin’ single.
Now also imagine that you are a very sensitive person and you can’t help but hope, each time, that maybe this time it’ll be the right person. Maybe this time it’ll be the last first date you’ll ever have to go on.
It is emotionally exhausting! I speak to so many people who feel the same way. Where the hell we find the energy to keep trying, I don’t know. Well, I know. We want to meet the “one” and so we feel we need to take certain steps in order to try to make it happen. In general, we have very little control over this process. Whatever effort we make, we know it’s possible it still won’t lead to the result we hope for. But we feel the importance of doing whatever we have strength to do.
But just like it’s important for us to do what we can, it’s also equally as important not to push ourselves too hard. And when someone says to me, “What’s the big deal, it’s just a cup of coffee,” I feel hurt! Just a cup of coffee?
Me: “Hi. I’d like to order one cafe hafooch natool [decaf latte, in case you're wondering] and a side order of heart-break, please.”
Each of us must be very conscious of what we’re going through during this process. What do we have strength for, what don’t we have strength for. If someone calls you up and wants to set you up with someone, you should not feel like you have to say yes because otherwise the person will think badly of you. I always imagine the person offering the set-up thinking, “Well, no wonder she’s not married. She isn’t even willing to go out with this totally decent guy.”
That is unfair thinking. Other people’s job is to try to set the single person up. It is the single person’s job to decide for themselves what is good for them and what is not. There is an idea in Judaism that everything in life is a partnership between us and God. We need to do our hishtadlut (put in our effort) and then God does His part. One girl who just got engaged after also waiting so many years to meet the right person, just said to me that sometimes our hishtadlut is specifically saying “No.” This makes so much sense because, as she said, sometimes we do know that it’s not worth giving it a shot with a certain guy. And if we focus on something we know is wrong, meanwhile Mr. Right can’t get in the door.
So please people, both fellow singles and those who may remember once, long ago, being single, remember that dating when you don’t want to be dating is heart-breaking and extremely energy consuming. It ain’t just a cuppa coffee.
P.S. I need to say something very important here. My feelings about dating have very little to do with the guys themselves. When, last night, I told a guy that I don’t like dating, I prefaced it by saying, “No offense to you and your gender.”
Honestly, for the most part, once I’m actually on a date, I usually basically enjoy myself. I like talking to people so it’s OK. But it’s all the before and after and the thoughts within it that make it so difficult. So nervous leading up, so hopeful and then, afterwards, having to either tell the guy you don’t want to go out again (that KILLS me every time) or him having to tell you. And, maybe the worst, is the heartbreak you know you very possible will feel and you know the other person is very possibly going to feel as well.
It’s funny how some people when we first meet them, we have this gut feeling that they’re just not our type. Especially when looking for a life partner, when you meet someone, you have a first instinct of, is there potential of my feelings to develop for this person?
I know a couple who, when they first met, they both felt that the other was not their type at all. They are, thank God, happily married. It was a process of working past that and seeing each other for who they really are.
So that problem exists when we meet someone for the first time. We have to remind ourselves constantly that we don’t really know and sometimes our understanding of a person changes.
But then there is another problem. People who never even meet because it supposedly could never work.
We think so much about details today while dating. And so many of these details seem so important! One person wants to move to Israel, the other doesn’t. Sounds like it couldn’t work, right? Well, that is where my parents were at when they met. My dad hoped to move to Israel and my mother couldn’t imagine moving to Israel and leaving all her family in Toronto. I actually have an unprovable theory that my parents would never have gotten married if they were dating today. And yes, that would have been a very bad thing.
Especially in the more religious world, there is a very strong focus on religiosity. Where am I religiously and where it the other person?
It seems like such a legitimate thing to think about. You want to live a certain type of life, religiously. You imagine a certain amount of freedom and a certain amount of structure. You imagine raising your kids in a certain environment. Totally legitimate, no?
Well, maybe not. Maybe there is too much focus on this and we freak ourselves out and drive ourselves crazy trying to imagine this home and figure out which human being will fit into the picture perfectly.
Yeah, like that’s gonna work.
I think that maybe our acceptance of the other person isn’t wide enough. And we aren’t cognizant of the fact that people change. You hear that? People change. People develop, go backwards, go through good times and bad times, feel differently, believe in different things… People change. And maybe more importantly than, does the girl plan to cover every strand of hair or leave some hair out, or how big is the guy’s kippah (I said kippah), is, do I feel good with this person?
Someone once said to me that a good way to think when you’re with a person is not, “How do I feel about this person?” but, “How do I feel about myself when I’m with this person?” For some reason that thinking takes so much pressure off and I really believe it’s wise.
How do I feel when I’m with this person? Does he make me feel good about myself or maybe low? Low is bad, fyi. : ) But seriously, a couple will always have differences and the necessity to compromise but if you have the beginning foundation of respect for each other and just enjoying each other’s company, maybe that is a perfect place from which to start a relationship.
Does that make sense?