I’ve yet again had enough of my should voice. It is my incessant personal judge. It tricks me into thinking that there is always some ultimate way of behaving in every single given situation.
But my intellect has since matured and I see how much those shoulds are lacking in complexity and understanding.
So suddenly, a few days ago, I had an epiphany. I decided that whenever I catch myself saying that I should behave in a certain way, I’m going to switch the word (or idea) with “could.”
And so far, I must say that it has been a great success. I am finding my narrow-minded pressure making space for a world of choices.
Examples
OK fine, you want some examples? I’ll give them to you but please keep in mind that I think they sound pretty stupid when said out loud. Eek. :/
Here you go:
Should: Deena, it’s after midnight! You shouldn’t be up this late. Could: You could be up this late. Or you could go to sleep. The experience: Much less stress around the experience. It isn’t as if I sinned for being up after midnight nor will it be a sin if I stay up longer.
Should: Deena, it’s so bad that you’re leaving the heat on so much. So expensive and frivolous. Could: Deena, you could have the heat on less if you want. The experience: Understanding that my actions are not the be all and end all of money-spending and energy-using. Perspective.
Should: You should read all the old material from the first version of this blog post to make sure you don’t lose something that’s written really well. Could: You could read all the old stuff from yesterday or you could just delete it. Whatev. The experience: Letting go. Not worrying too much about the repercussions of my actions as if they are so critical.
P.S. I didn’t read it over. I just deleted the old stuff.
Should: I should include a picture with this post. Could: I could include a picture with this post. The experience: Get over it. Or, just stop it.
Should: I should feel offended by what he said. Could: I could feel offended by what he said. The experience: I could just let it slide. I will survive and so will my ego.
For the most part, the shift in thought is opening up my moments to opportunity as opposed to confining me to one supposedly righteous way. The shift in my experience is from heaviness and seriousness to being more easy-going and lighthearted. So, so far so good.
Yes, I should have a proper ending to this post but I just can’t think of one!
I could have a proper ending. But I guess I won’t.
It’s all the rave. It must be somewhat inspired by Sh*t my dad says, a Twitter account by a dude who documents the hilarious and inappropriate things his father says. (Which has since become a book and I think a TV show with William Shatner.)
Anyway, about the rave. Someone came out with a video “Sh*t girls say” which got tons of hits and was quickly (very) followed by many other sh*itty videos. I found the original pretty amusing:
And I just saw the one about frum girls which I found pretty funny:
OK fine, one more. I just spent too many minutes watching a few of the other ones that have popped up on YouTube and they’re starting to make my head feel stupid (or is it sh*tty) but just maybe check out this one last one, at your own risk of feeling your head go a little numb:
Here is one of the recent pictures going around Facebook:
"The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything."
What’s wrong with this quote
Am I the only one that cringes from this kind of quote? I think it’s just annoying that it is assumed we’re all on the same page with a lot of the lofty terms mentioned here. Lets go through them:
The happy person
There is an assumption that we know what it means to be a “happy person.” From a quote like this, I automatically picture tranquil, smiley, laughing people. (AKA, those annoying happy people.) But what is true happiness?
Making the best
There is also an assumption that we’re supposed to know what it means to “make the best” out of something. I picture the person being faced with a terrible situation. This person who is excellent at making the best out of everything, quickly takes a good look at the facts and pick out the one, tiny little good thing about the situation and feels good about it.
But is that making the best? Or is that lying to yourself? I don’t believe in making “the best” out of any situation because that alludes to making everything seem OK when it isn’t OK. I think that truly making the best means rolling with the punches, feeling how one is made to feel from whatever is experienced. Appreciating whatever one can appreciate without believing that one is supposed to feel great.
The best things in life
Finally, there is an assumption that we all know what the best things in life are. What does that even mean, the best things? Who is to judge who has the best things and who doesn’t?
So who are the happiest people then?
I believe that the happiest people are those who aren’t desperately looking for happiness. They are the ones who wouldn’t think of making this sign. They are the ones who just don’t focus on happiness and whether or not they have it.
They are also people who try to make good things happen for themselves and others and they don’t really think about whether or not they have what they supposedly deserve. They don’t even go there.
Three days ago Gilad Shalit came home. I think we’re all still collectively rubbing our eyes to make sure it isn’t a dream. Who wasn’t totally shocked to see him walking and in one piece after five years and four months in conditions we all rightfully assumed were very bad? And who can believe that Gilad really is now at his family’s home after celebrating Simchat Torah with them after so many years?
Of course the other thing we can scarcely believe is that this week we decided to equate one lone Jewish life with 1,027 Arab terrorist lives.
When I watch videos of Gilad on Israeli soil, I know we did the right thing, getting him home where he belongs.
But now we’ve gone and become all self-righteous and this, I believe, is not right. Do we really think that the exchange for Gilad proved that we’re a light unto the nations? Did it prove that we truly believe in the sanctity of life? And can we really feel comfortable quoting the Mishna that says that if you save one life, it’s as if you saved an entire world?
Anyone who is merciful to the cruel will end up being cruel to the merciful
Yes, when I see the images of Gilad, finally in real time, I am deeply moved. When I see him reunite with his family and salute the prime minister, I’m so touched. But let’s consider some other typical Israeli scenes. Like those of people being blown to pieces in a pizza shop. A sick man hanging out a window, cheering and being cheered on by the crowds as he shows off his blood-stained hands after lynching a Jew in Ramallah.
We sanctify life? Where is the proof if we allow such a lowly person to live all these years? And worse, we invest in him by allowing him to live off the Jewish state (a state with many needy people). And since we grant him the privilege of life, he gets to dream that some day he’ll be free to lynch another Jew. He basks in his disgusting fame and we let it continue. And now, because he was sitting uselessly in an Israeli jail all these years, the day has indeed come. He’s been released and most definitely is ready for his next attack against Jews.
Now, capital punishment for the worst terrorists against Jews and Israel – that would show that we believe in the sanctity of life.
And what about the fact that 11 of the terrorists were released to East Jerusalem? Jerusalem, as in, the Israeli capital. Inside undisputed borders as far as we’re concerned (supposedly)? There were some great street parties there the day they were releasted, celebrating Israel’s decision to harbour terrorists in our own capital.
One person in another Israeli city was appalled when she had to see a group of Arab workers across the street from her house celebrate the release of one of the murderers. All these celebrations inside Israel. Why do we allow it?!
Half an hour ago, a bus of 40 Israeli citizens from different towns arrived at the Hadarim Jail.
The passengers began a protest there, waved Palestinian flags and called for the abduction of more Israeli soldiers in order to ensure the release of all the security prisoners in Israel.
Israeli security forces arrived at the scene and requested of the protesters to clear the area since they were assembling there illegally. After requests by the police a few times, and after the protesters refused to leave, 12 of them who were carrying Palestinian flags and calling for the kidnapping of soldiers, were arrested.
Now the protesters have been removed to the bus and the event is over.
Why does this report only mention that the assembly was illegal? What about the fact they are calling for the kidnapping of soldiers? We allow people to express their obviously traitorous opinions in our country? There should be serious repercussions for people who choose to celebrate terrorism against Israel or support kidnapping of Israeli soldiers. Until that happens, we have not truly proven our belief in the sanctity of life.
Of course this is not to mention other steps that should be taken in order to deter terrorism. For example we should not return the bodies of terrorists to their families. We should bury them ourselves, with pig skin (then there will be a great reason for growing pigs in Israel). And we should seriously consider returning to the policy of demolishing their homes. Again, these actions would prove our belief in the sanctity of life. They play on their ridiculous beliefs, deter future terrorist activity and show our important disrespect for their barbaric ways.
Because really this part of the world is way simpler than many people want to believe. Our neighbours don’t want us to exist and they believe it’s holy work getting rid of us. I think that this is the #1 rule of the region as far as Israel is concerned and all that’s left is for us to compile a set of rules around that.
Of course this is far from pleasant and so we usually complicate things with Western ideas some of which just don’t work with our very un-Western neighbours. They get us in trouble. Like when we worry about killing the (possibly) innocent bystander on our enemy’s side and, worst of all, when we worry what everyone else will think, we’re paralysing ourselves against the evils that face us.
So the same goes for Gilad Shalit. Are we sure there was no other viable way to get him home? Or did we complicate things with worries? I wonder how this ended up being the path chosen and wonder if there weren’t any other options that more truly would have expressed our belief in the sanctity of life. Like cutting off Gaza from Israel until they gave Shalit back and making it clear how much Gaza residents would suffer if Gilad were to be killed, God forbid.
It’s very hard for me to believe that there were no other options that may have been less popular with the international community (and many Israelis), but could have gotten Shalit back earlier and without having to release 1027 terrorists.
Meanwhile, whatever anyone thinks about the deal that was reached with Hamas for Gilad, it’s a relief to welcome him home. I have no idea how Gilad and his family survived such a nightmare and I thank God it’s finally over.
And now it’s time for us to really start proving to ourselves that we’re a light unto the nations by starting to implement serious steps towards deterring terrorism. That way we can know that we are truly cherishing the lives of Israeli citizens and prevent any future Sbarro, Dolphinarium or Park Hotel horrors.
As those close to me know, I reeeally don’t enjoy conventional prayer. I mean, I talk to God as much as the next Jew but I can’t stand conventional Jewish praying for the following reasons:
I don’t like feeling pushed to the side because I’m a woman.
I don’t like reading lots of text.
I don’t connect to a lot of the text in the siddur.
I actually have issues with a lot of the prayers. I don’t get showing such reverence to God as if He/She needs it and as if that creates anything close to a healthy relationship with our Creator. (There are other things I don’t get about the prayers in our siddur like talking so much about the animal sacrifices in the time of the Temples in Jerusalem. Yuck.)
It’s boring.
Well, now I’m glad to announce that this Yom Kippur (which was yesterday), enlightened me to some of the positive aspects of conventional prayer. I actually enjoyed being in shul this year and I had enough time to try to figure out what it was about the prayers this year which made it meaningful. I think there are two things about the Yom Kippur prayers that make it more meaningful to me than regular prayers during the year.
There is nothing better to do
I know it sounds a little lame but hear me out. I spend most days of the year so distracted that if I ever attempt to partake in conventional prayer, I’m almost always thinking about the other things I could/should/prefer to be doing. Prayer can seem pretty unproductive when you feel like a busy person.
On the other hand, on Yom Kippur, there is really almost nothing better to do than sit in shul. You can’t eat. You can’t check your email. You actually very possibly don’t want to check your email. It is such a unique day for me in that regard. It is the one day a year that I really want to disconnect and do “nothing much.” And when you have really nothing much to do at all, sitting and reading from a prayer book or listening to the prayers being recited actually feels quite nice.
Personally meaningful prayers
Yom Kippur prayers are so much about introspection. You are actually given a pretty thorough list of possible things you’ve done wrong so that if you choose, you can take the opportunity to try to think of what you did wrong over the last year and consider how you might improve yourself in the coming year.
Now that I can relate to. I don’t like the major guilt trip and I try not to let myself go there but I do try to think of what I did wrong and consider how I can try to improve in the coming year.
Yom Kippur rocks
Don’t get me wrong. I hate fasting and dread it every time. But this year’s Yom Kippur taught me a lot.
It made me realize that I really am unable to be still in my day-to-day life. My mind is so busy that I can’t allow myself time to just contemplate/meditate. And contrary to my feelings on contemplation/meditation (that it’s pretty bothersome and annoying), I don’t think it’s a waste of time. I think it can be very good for me and I’d like to see how I can add more of this into my life this year, even if it’s through conventional prayer! (Shocking, I know.)
I also realized how much I love Yom Kippur. It is by far the most unique day of the year, especially in Israel. The silence of the cities is awesome. The feeling that every Jew in the country is doing what you’re doing is just amazing. The feeling that we really all have “nothing better to do” than be together, because that is what we’ve all chosen for ourselves, is very exciting.
I honestly think that Yom Kippur might be my new favourite holiday. It is the day that has the potential to calibrate us. If we’re capable of stopping and listening to the silence.
Tonight is Rosh Hashana. Everyone is writing their introspective thoughts on Facebook, emailing shana tova blessings and calling each other. And yes, I’m also feeling introspective and extro-spective. I am looking at my world thinking about what’s gone down and what hasn’t. Feeling grateful for all the wonderful things in my life and sad about the tragedy of life.
I’m working in the same company as last year but have since learned plenty about content, about online stuff and most recently, learning a ton about project management – my most recent position. I’m learning how to work with all kinds of people. I’m learning when to take charge, when to make decisions and when to lean on those around me.
I’m learning about the cyclical nature of relationships. I’m learning about the importance of keeping the peace and keeping the relationships good with those closest to me. I am learning that if both sides will it, it’s usually possible.
I’m learning that I’m not always perfect so I should really get over that idea.
I’m learning that it’s so often not about me.
I’m learning that life is most definitely a bed of roses – it is full of wonderful fragrances, beautiful views and lots of thorns.
I’m learning that it’s really easy to want something you don’t have.
I’m learning to appreciate the time I have, the health I have, the people I have, right now.
I’m learning that sometimes it is best to follow the recipe.
And, thank God, I’m learning to be a nicer person.
And why do I write this all in present tense? Because none of this ends. It is all part of the process of my life.
I think that one of the things I don’t like about networking is that most of us feel the need to act perfect while doing it. Since the supposed goal of networking is to help get yourself business or, at the very least, leave a good impression, being clumsy, acting with a lack of self confidence or, worst of all, acting clueless, is a big no-no.
Lets see some rules for networking that make me want to hide at home. These rules have been paraphrased for anonymity and brevity:
Say something memorable so you’ll be remembered later.
Although I might remember someone who had something interesting to say, the people I’ll remember actively will be 1) nice and 2) have something to say that connects to me in some way. If you try to impress me, I’m outy (and annoyed).
People qualify either as: Potential clients, source of referrals or interesting-but-nothing-more. Realize that not everyone will be a prospect. People can also be useful in other ways.
I really hate the using aspect of networking. I guess it’s the same reason I dread singles events. Instead, be nice, be friendly. Let us learn new things from each other. Don’t treat me like an object through which you can acquire something and I won’t treat you that way.
Always act like you’re on a first date. (From here)
Sounds too difficult if you ask me. And misses the point. Again, you want to be a trust-worthy, kind and professional person. So be that person and then be yourself. OK, a little more difficult than dressing up and waxing the car, but much more to the point.
OK, so what tips would I give for networking? Here ya go:
Be a nice person (not a bad idea for any area of your life). In general, people want to work and associate with nice people.
Act and speak honestly. Don’t be fake and don’t suck up. Try to give an honest picture of who you are and not to put on too much of a show.
Be polite.
Talk to people, and look them in the eye, even if you don’t think you’re going to get anything out of them.
Don’t forget your business (or personal) cards. They are so useful.
Know how to explain what your company does and what you do in not too many words.
Don’t talk about yourself too much.
Those are my rules for networking. They basically comprise being a mensch and carrying business cards. I made it easy so you can remember them easily.
It is amazing how many different types of content one can embed just in wordpress.com (meaning, without having the option to add any extra features/plugins). The following are all embedded just by pasting the links/HTML code into the Visual editor of this post.
Don’t forget to unlink the links so that the image will work.
A YouTube video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0doKZFNWZXE
A Vimeo video:
A Google Map! (Paste HTML code into the Visual editor, NOT into the HTML editor.)
It is 100% normal these days to temporarily and periodically fade out of a real conversation in order to”quickly” check what message just made your phone vibrate or beep or sing a song. Of course, you’re likely to answer the message too while you’re at it.
Accepted, maybe. But cool? Not so.
This video is super kitchy but so true that it more than makes up for the kitch. I think that a lot of us are on both sides of this rude coin and it seriously is about time that we got a hold of ourselves and asked ourselves why we’re so desperate to check our messages so obsessively.
A question: Who do you feel worse for when you do this to people or see others doing it: kids or elderly people?
Recent comments